


Happy

by DestielTheShipOfDreams



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Whump (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Doomed Relationship, Honestly thought I was done with this ffs, I wrote this in one go and barely edited it lol, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), The Empty (Supernatural), probably not canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielTheShipOfDreams/pseuds/DestielTheShipOfDreams
Summary: Castiel knows the deal. If he lets himself be happy, he dies. Or at least, ceases to be alive. So it's more than a little confusing that having a family to call his own, being on good terms with Dean and getting Jack back haven't sealed his fate. Perhaps it's because he's trying so hard not to give in and actually FEEL happy. Or perhaps, having all these things somehow isn't enough.What else could possibly happen to make him happy enough for The Empty to take him??(lmao u know exactly what else)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 70





	Happy

**Author's Note:**

> Me, writing this stupid fic: I literally haven't watched SPN in like two years and I have a witcher WIP that needs my attention... I don't write destiel fic any more! I barely even know what's going on in the show?!   
> The random destiel tumblr post that inspired this stupid fic, leaning on the edge of my wooden bathtub and gazing soulfully at me in the candlelight: and yet here we are
> 
> If this seems like it's been written by someone who only has the vaguest idea of what's going on in SPN these days... that's exactly the case. Also, why are the two of them standing in a mountainside car park?? I neither know nor care. Sorry.

So, Castiel was a little confused at this point.

Things were… good. Obviously not perfect, but ‘perfect’ didn’t exist, especially not in his lifestyle. There were a lot of imperfections around him, both big and small, a lot of problems still to solve, a lot of crises on the horizon. But that was normal. That didn’t make him unhappy. Tired and frustrated, yes, but… not unhappy.

Jack was back with them, with his family, back where he belonged. Now, _that_ was something that made Cas happy.

Cas was back with his family, too, on good terms with both Sam and Dean. That made him happy.

Dean had said things, back in Purgatory, that had left him positively _reeling_ with happiness. Dean had apologized for his mistakes, reassured Cas that he cared, washed away Cas’s fear and doubt that Cas meant nothing to the one person whose opinion meant everything to him. That had made him, not just happy, but sure of his place in the world in a way that he’d never quite managed before.

All of these were things that made him happy. He was trying to hold back from enjoying it too much, but still… his life was the best it was probably ever going to be.

So… why was he still alive?

The Empty had been fairly clear with its words, even if the message was a little vague. If Castiel let himself be happy, he would be taken from the world and imprisoned in The Empty, presumably forever. Having his family together, knowing he belonged, feeling secure in knowing Dean truly cared about him… any one of these miraculous things should have been enough, surely, to earn him a one-way ticket to the Void. In combination, it should have had him zapped there several times over. Cas was seriously confused, if cautiously elated, by his continued existence on Earth when he had practically everything he’d ever longed for. And even that – his relief and joy at still being where he wanted to be – furthered his certainty that it would all be over at any moment.

Maybe something had gone wrong for The Empty, and therefore extremely right for Castiel. As days ticked by and Cas’s life continued to be brighter than it had been in a long time, he began to hope that he would not, after all, be doomed to spend eternity alone.

Of course, he was careful. He tried not to spend too much time with his loved ones, especially Dean, who could effortlessly spark joy in him with merely a smile or a fond word, and who was brimming with both after Purgatory. He tried not to relish his renewed relationship with Jack too much. He tried to keep reminding himself of all the things still wrong, all the pain he’d been through and would still go through, the enormity of the dangers they faced. He tried to hold on to the loneliness and hurt that had been such a hallmark of his life, to stave off contentment. Just in case.

“Nice view, eh?”

Cas stirred, startled. He’d been staring unseeing at the valley below them, hands gripping the metal railing of the small carpark they’d stopped at as he pondered his situation. He glanced sideways at Dean, who leaned against the railing with his arms crossed, staring at Cas.

“Uh,” Cas said, looking back at the lush mountain valley. It actually _was_ very pretty. He hadn’t noticed. He’d trained himself to blank out pleasant views and sensations, of late, fearing that too much enjoyment of beauty or pleasure would be what drove him into The Empty’s clutches. He cleared his throat, looking down at his hands. He could feel that the metal was slightly warped under his fingers. He’d been squeezing without realizing it.

“Yes,” Cas said flatly. “It’s a nice view.”

He heard Dean shift and sigh. “You OK, Cas?”

“Yes. I’m OK.”

_That’s the problem._

“It’s just that you seem kinda _tense_. I mean, more than usual. Been that way since Purgatory.”

Cas made a small, non-committal noise, focusing his gaze on one particular tree on the next mountainside over. It was a very ordinary looking tree. Neutral. That was good.

“I kinda thought…” Dean paused, sounding hesitant. Cas glanced at him again, curious. Dean looked uncomfortable in the way he usually did when he was being honest. It was endearing. Cas welcomed the familiar ache of affection in his chest as he watched Dean struggle for words. That ache was safe. Loving Dean the way he did was safe, because it wasn’t a _good_ feeling. It had never been a good feeling.

“I kinda thought you’d be… happy,” Dean finished, studying his shoes. Cas, despite himself, huffed a laugh as he looked away again.

_Me too, Dean. But I’m good at avoiding happiness, apparently. Luckily._

“I am happy,” Cas said quietly, genuinely not knowing whether or not it was true. How was he supposed to tell? He had all the ingredients, but clearly it wasn’t enough. Maybe it was because he was fighting it; maybe this was what _winning_ felt like, in this context. Maybe he was just incapable of contentedness. Maybe that was the joke.

“Are you? I’ve seen you smile more in way crappier times than this. Things are… kinda pretty good right now. I mean, all things considered.”

Cas dipped his head. “I agree.”

“Yeah. So… why are you away so much? Why d’you keep looking so miserable? Even with Jack. I _know_ you love that kid.”

Cas steadily watched his neutral tree. “I do love him. I love you all.”

He was expecting Dean to keep pushing, as he usually did when he had a problem with the way someone was acting, but he fell silent. Cas looked at him. Dean had dropped his arms, straightened up. He was frowning off to the side, green eyes troubled. Cas’s mouth twisted. He hated that he was causing trouble for Dean, right when Dean had acknowledged how much Cas meant to him, right when he seemed to _finally_ be committed to their friendship.

_Isn’t it a good thing, not getting things right with Dean? It’s too risky._

Cas didn’t know what ‘a good thing’ was any more. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He’d rather be in the Empty than make his family unhappy, but it wasn’t in him to just give up and invite his doom. This whole situation was impossible to navigate.

Cas sighed wearily and re-focused on the very boring tree he’d spotted. Although, all trees had a beauty to them, so he was failing at that too.

_Typical._

“Cas,” Dean began again, and much as Cas loved him, he was starting to wish that Dean would just shut up. He made this whole thing so much more _difficult_. “Listen. I want you to… I wanna be really clear on something. I said some crap back in Purgatory. No, not crap. It was true. I _meant_ it. I… I want you to know I meant it.”

Cas swallowed, but tried to make his voice as gentle and warm as possible, much as he felt unable to look at the man as he spoke. “I know you care about me, Dean.”

“No, I don’t _care about you_.”

Cas blinked and whipped his head around to stare at Dean. He’d been let down before. Was it happening again? Had Dean decided, after all, that Cas _was_ a burden?

_Welcome the pain. I’m safe this way. Dean giving a damn about me was putting me in danger. At least I can commit myself to Jack without fear if I lose Dean-_

“Crap!” Dean almost yelped, turning and grabbing the railing with white knuckles, colour rising in his face as he screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. “That- that’s _not_ what I meant! God _damn_ it…”

Cas continued to stare. Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes, carefully not looking at Cas.

“What I _meant_ to say,” he said in a quieter voice with only the slightest shake to it, “is that ‘I care about you’ isn’t what I was trying to say then, and it’s not what I want to say now. _Jesus_ , I’m bad at this…”

Cas looked back out at the valley blankly, trying to make sense of what Dean was rambling about. He hated that he couldn’t just _listen_ to anyone he cared about any more. He was always on high alert these days, tensing for anything that might make him smile. What was Dean trying to-

A calloused, trembling hand covered his on the railing. Cas’s mind stalled. He stared wide-eyed down at Dean’s fingers hooked around his, at the little stuttering movement the other man's thumb made, stroking his skin lightly.

“Cas.” Dean had stepped close. Personal-space-bubble-invasion close. Closer than Cas ever let himself get these days. His voice was hoarse, the way it had sounded in that damned prayer in Purgatory.

Before Cas could stop himself, he had turned his head and met Dean’s brilliant, heartbreakingly hopeful eyes. Eyes that flickered down to his lips for a moment. Eyes that held the same vulnerable invitation that Cas had been desperately avoiding and ignoring since Purgatory. And Cas suddenly _knew_. With a certainty as real and warm and solid as Dean’s hand gripping his, he knew something he’d never even let himself hope for before.

_Oh, crap. Oh, no. It can’t be. This can’t be happening._

“Cas,” Dean breathed, reverent and intimate and ever so soft. “Cas, _listen_. I gotta say it. I lo-“

“No!” Cas gasped, wrenching away, eyes wide with disbelief and wild terror. “This can’t- I _can’t_ -“

There was a long, awful moment of silence. Dean stood frozen, his hand empty on the railing, shock etched harshly in the lines on his face. Cas felt nauseous, or at least something similar to his memories of nausea. This was a nightmare. This was so much worse than he’d imagined. This was _cruel_.

_The Empty knew. This was the choice it meant when it spoke of choosing happiness. And it was so clever, because when have I not chosen Dean?_

Cas shook his head helplessly, feeling the unfamiliar sting of tears in his eyes. He watched Dean swallow, look away, his expression lost and confused.

“I thought…” he whispered. Cas could feel his breath coming quicker, his all-too-human emotions forcing a physical reaction, panic suffusing his mind.

“Dean,” he managed. Dean flinched, inhaled unsteadily… and like a light being switched off, his face changed. Cas’s heart squeezed painfully. He knew this reaction. This was Dean protecting himself. His eyes went cold, his mouth hard, his expression closed off. He barked a short, bitter laugh and when he looked at Cas, it was like he was a stranger. It was horribly familiar.

“ _Dean_ …”

He shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. I dunno what I was thinking. Things’ve been crazy. Guess I got a little crazy for a second too.”

Cas stepped towards him. Dean shifted subtly backwards, his stance defensive, his eyes narrowing. Cas stared at this man he loved – _adored_ – beyond all else. Considered, for a moment, letting this play out the way he should if he wanted to stay alive. Imagined letting Dean believe that Cas had rejected him. To someone like Dean, a rejection like this would only register as a weapon to be used against him. They would never be close again. And Cas would survive in bleak, hollow safety, secure in the knowledge that he would _never_ be taken to the Void. Because there could be no happiness for him, ever, knowing he had hurt Dean and lost him forever.

_Clever, clever Empty._

Cas made his decision, and felt a curious calm settle over him. He had only seconds. He needed to make them count.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice stronger and more alive than it had been in a long time. Dean’s mouth tightened and he gave another shrug, dismissive, turning as though to walk back to the Impala. Cas reached out and grabbed his elbows, jerking him forcefully closer. Dean stumbled.

“What the hell-“

“I didn’t pull away because I don’t feel it,” Cas said urgently, gaze flickering between Dean’s wide eyes. “I pulled away because I _do_ feel it. I realized what you were going to say and I panicked. Because I’ve been in love with you since we met, but I never- I _never_ -“

Dean had frozen, lips parted. “What?”

“I love you,” Cas smiled, floating on the unexpected relief of saying it plainly and knowing it would mean what it was supposed to. He gave Dean a soft shake, exhaling with something like a laugh. “I _love_ you, Dean. And I’m sorry.”

Dean looked dazed, but the hardness was gone from his face. “You’re _sorry_? Isn’t this- isn’t this a good thing? I mean… we both…”

“Yeah,” Cas replied, unable to stop smiling, euphoric now that he had let himself be. “We do.”

He held onto Dean tightly, searched his eyes, felt himself light up when an answering, still somewhat confused smile crept into them. Cas took a deep breath and leaned in-

The world dropped out from around him. Cas choked on his next breath, blinking into the endless dark, feeling the familiar, claustrophobic blankness press down on him. His joy constricted, guilt and grief flooding in to stain its edges. He blinked down at his outstretched hands, the sight of them causing a single, crushing word to echo through his mind.

 _Empty_.


End file.
